Because Mummy Said So! by Shari Low #BlogTour #Extract

Thrilled to be part of this blog tour and to bring you this awesome extract. 

Extract
​And  the  Number  One  Answer  Is...


In  a  recent  survey,  100  people  were  asked  to  list  the  things  that  irritate  them  most,  and  the  winner  was...
  stupid  bloody  surveys  that  ask  people  to  list  things.
Have  scientists,  the  government  and  women's  magazines  got  nothing  better  to  do with  their  time  than  ask  inane  questions?  Isn't  there  an  ozone  layer  that  needs patching  up?  Don't  hospitals  need  some  attention?  Schools  needing  new  books? 
Well,  maybe,  but  first  well  just  run  off  a  potentially  world-changing  questionnaire asking  3,000  people  what  biscuit  they  like  to  dunk  in  their  tea. 
Now,  usually  I  avoid  surveys  as  I  would,  say,  the  bubonic  plague  or  boob  tubes, but  this  week  there  was  one  poll  that  genuinely  intrigued  and  excited  me.  No,  it  wasn't  the  results  of  the  survey  that  revealed  that  one  in  five  blokes  fake  their orgasms  (eh,  I  have  questions)  and  that  fifty-eight  per  cent  of  women  do  a  Meg  Ryan  Special  at  the  crucial  moment.  Nor  was  I  particularly  interested  in  the  result  of  another  poll  that  concluded  Britons  spend  an  average  of  £169,000  during  their  lives  on  job  costs  like  travel  and lunches.  Unless,  of  course,  you're  an  MP,  in  which  case  you  claim  double  that  back. 
I  was  even  less  impressed  with  the  research  done  by  a  team  at  the  University  of St  Andrews  that  revealed  that  women  are  just  as  grateful  for  cheap  trinkets  as  they are  for  expensive  diamonds,  just  as  long  as  the  gift  is  given  with  thought  and  love. 
Fab.  Now  as  long  as  the  love  of  your  life  dons  a  lopsided  grin  and  recites  a  poem,  he  can  palm  you  off  with  a  genuine  tin-plated,  diamante love-heart  ring  from  the Everything-For-A-Pound  shop. 
The  study  that  did  tweak  my  radar,  however,  was  the  survey  25,000  seven-  to eleven-year-olds  that  found  more  than  half  reckoned  their  mums  could  do  anything. Yes,  us  marvellous  matriarchs  beat  off  stiff  competition  in  the  superhero  stakes  from  icons  like  Superman,  Spiderman  and  whoever  invented  Play-Doh.
In  second  place  came  fathers,  their  popularity  increased no  doubt  by  the  young boys  who  took  part  in  the  survey  and  were  impressed  by  dad's  ability  to  multitask. 
My  dearly  beloved  has  an  admirable  ability  to  listen  to  me  talking  while multaneously  rolling  his  eyeballs  to  heaven.  And  in  third  place  came  Harry  Potter,  that  wee  smug  bloke  who,  unlike  us  mums,  has  to  enlist  the  help  of  a  wooden  stick  and  a  brainy  (female)  sidekick  to  conquer  the impossible. 
At  two  and  three-quarters  and  four,  my  boys  are  below  the  age  threshold  for  the survey,  but  I  decided  to  boost  my  ever-flailing  ego  by  checking  that  they concurred  with  the  results.
Boys,  do  you  think  Mummy  can  do  anything  in  the  whole  wide  world?  I  asked  with  my  sweetest,  most  grovelling  grin.  And,  okay,  I'll  admit  that  the  two  packets  of  chocolate  buttons  I  was  dangling  from  each  hand  might  have  swayed  them  just slightly.  Still,  they  looked  at  each  other  hesitantly,  in  the  manner  of  crime  suspects  who  feared  they  were  being  lured  into  a  trap  by  a  master  interrogator.  After checking  the  escape  routes  and  realising  they  were  cornered,  they  nodded  tentatively. 
I  should  have  stopped  there,  but  come  on...  I'm  a  mother  who  doesn't  get  out  much,  I'm  permanently  knackered  and  dishevelled  and  I  haven't  had  a  cigarette  now  for  nearly  three  weeks  I'm  a  real-life  desperate  housewife  who'll  clutch  at  any straw  going  for  validation  and  appreciation. So  what  special  things  can  I  do  then?  I  cajoled,  still  piling  on  the  saccharine  with  a  fork-lift. Give  magic  kisses,  interjected  Brad  (almost  three),  referring  to  the  cure  for  all  ailments  short  of  contagious  diseases  or  anything  relating  to  the  bottom.
That's  right,  sweetheart...  and  what  else? You  can  sing  when  you're  upside  down,  Cal  (four)  exclaimed,  his  eyes  never  straying  from  the  Buttons.  Yeah,  Madonna  eat  your  heart  out.  You  might  be  bendy  but  I  can  belt  out  a  catchy  tune  when  I'm  standing  on  my  head.  Although  there  is  usually  a  bottle  or  two  of  full-strength  Lambrusco  involved  in  the  preparation  of  that  particular  death-defying  feat.  And  you  can  make  the  bell  ring  when  dinner's  ready. And  that,  I  fear,  is  the  reason  us  mums  came  out  on  top.  Our  tiny  offspring  still  have  the  naiveté  of  youth  and  the  unconditional  love  for  their  mothers  that  convinces  them  that  the  eardrum-shattering  racket  produced  by  the  dangerous  combination  of  a  woman  who  cant  cook,  a  tray  of  chicken  dinosaurs,  an  oven  and  a  smoke  alarm  is  a  little  piece  of  magic.  Harry  Potter,  eat  your  heart  out. 

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Because Mummy Said So –
Shari Low
About the author
Shari Low has published eighteen books under her own name and pseudonyms Millie Conway and Ronni Cooper. She is also one half of the writing duo, Shari King. She lives near Glasgow with her husband, two teenagers and a labradoodle.

www.sharilow.com
Follow
Twitter: @sharilow
Facebook: @sharilowbooks

About the book
The era of the yummy mummy has finally gone. To celebrate this, Shari Low has taken a baby wipe to the glossy veneer of the school of perfect parenting and written Because I Said So to show us the truth about motherhood in all of its sleep-deprived, frazzled glory.
This is a book that every experienced, new or soon-to-be parent will relate to – well, hallelujah and praise be those who worship at the temple of Febreze. For over a decade, Shari wrote a hugely popular weekly newspaper column documenting the ups, downs and bio-hazardous laundry baskets of family life.
Because Mummy Said So is a collection of her favourite stories of parenting, featuring superheroes in pull up pants, embarrassing mistakes, disastrous summer holidays, childhood milestones, tear-jerking nativity plays, eight bouts of chickenpox and many, many discussions that were finished with the ultimate parental sticky situation get-out clause​...
Buy links:
Kobo: http://bit.ly/2x7ctIK
iBooks: https://apple.co/2x7x27T
Google play: http://bit.ly/2p0LdYZ
Amazon: mybook.to/MummySaidSo
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www.ariafiction.com
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Facebook: @ariafiction
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